Insight

I did write last week.  Didn’t get a whole lot done.  But yesterday I finished the chapter I’d started.  And I felt good about it.  Today I was sure I was going to begin a new chapter and I did.  But after two paragraphs I stopped.

I’m tired and irritable.  I don’t feel like writing at all.  The most I’m going to do is go back through what I have and change the name of one of the characters.  Thanks Word for Search and Replace.  And tomorrow I won’t be able to write.  Most likely not until next Tues.

Company coming.

What does it matter?  I can take all the time I want.  Still, I feel disappointed in myself today.  Knowing I wasn’t going to have lots of time for the next week I was prepared for this to be a good writing day. 

Part of it is because I don’t know where I’m going with this chapter.  This is a novel with two voices.  And this chapter is told by the hardest voice for me to write.  On another day it might be different.  I have the luxury to wait for that other day.  I’m not talking about inspiration.  If writers waited for inspiration we wouldn’t have many books in the library.

Maybe I have to think about this voice more.  I have to give the character a back story.  Usually I do that.  I write a backstory for my protagonist and I haven’t done this.  Not with either of them.  I wonder why I haven’t.  I think it’s time for me to take this novel more seriously.  Not change my schedule, but do the things I usually do.

Ah.  Because I have no illusions about publishing it I’m being lazy, I think.  I’m not respectful of what I’m doing.  So, okay.  It’s fine to not have illusions, to write on a more flexible schedule, but when I do write I have to be serious about it. Treat it like I have all my other novels.  And do whatever I do to make it work.  Backstory is one thing.  I find that important and helpful.  Unlike an outline which, if you’ve been reading this blog, you know I don’t do nor do I want to.

After writing this post I still feel tired and irritable, but I know a little more than I did.

Getting Up Steam

It was a fallow week.  For one reason or another I didn’t write anything further than Chapter Six.  Most of my reasons were legitimate and some days I simply didn’t want to write.  I don’t have any sense of guilt about this as I would in the past.  This is because I’m not writing this book for anyone other than me.

At this moment I intend to go back to writing on Monday.  Who knows?  I feel I want to but that could change.  If I wait too long I’ll have to read the whole damn thing (60 pages) because I won’t remember what I’ve already written.

I know I have to make a list of the characters because I don’t remember all the names.  Does everyone have to do this?

So, I’m set to hit the keys on Monday.

Answers

One of the reasons I wrote the post below is because I’ve never written this way before.  Without a contract.  And because, as I’ve said before, I have no illusions that this one will be published.  Times have changed.

Another reason I wrote it is because I believe every writer goes through some form of this. 

I wish you’d tell me if you do or don’t.

Questions

Although I wrote five pages today I was haunted by:

Why am I doing this?  What for?  Why am I doing this? What’s the point? Why am I doing this?  Who will care? Why am I doing this? What is this book about?  Why am I doing this? What kind of book is it? Why am I doing this? 

 

Stalling?

Yesterday I wrote one sentence.  The start of Chapter Six.  Today I wrote two and a half pages.  Not a great output you say.  I say, too.  But I don’t really care.

I don’t feel like doing this.  I think I do the night before.  But when the morning arrives…phooey.  Still, I did write something.  It’s odd because I’m about to write a bunch of dialogue, which I think I do well, and I know where it’s going, but I didn’t want to do it today.

Tomorrow I’ll see if I want to do it.

What A Difference A Day Makes

Today I finished that fifth chapter.  The one I couldn’t deal with yesterday.  This proves to me that as long as I have this luxury of no deadline, no expectations, I shouldn’t try to write when I feel like hell.

Guilt Free Decisions

It’s been a week since I wrote anything.  Well, today I wrote two sentences.  Today I have no interest in writing.  Other things kept me from writing since last Weds.  Last night I was sure I’d write today. I don’t know what happened.  While eating breakfast I could feel the desire dissipating.  By the time I sat down here my interest was gone, but I pushed myself and came up with two sentences.  Feeling the way I did I decided not to force myself.  Writing under my new regime I didn’t have to.

Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not talking about waiting for inspiration.  If you waited for that very few books would get written.  I certainly wouldn’t have written more than one, if that.

When I finish this I’ll answer email and then I’m going to read because that’s what I feel like doing.  Only a few years ago I would’ve pushed myself to go on and certainly couldn’t have stopped to read.   And guilt would’ve ruined my day.

Not now. It feels like a senior citizen discount.  I could watch a movie if I felt like it.  But I’d rather read.  Who knows, maybe I won’t want to write for the rest of the week?  So be it.